Lacey


During the night, I vaguely remember Adonis checking on me twice. The medication eased my migraine and by morning I was feeling fine again.

My mom fussed over me when I walked into the kitchen first thing in the morning.

“How are you feeling?” she asked with concern as she turned her attention to me.

“I’m fine, mom,” I said, but I could see the words didn’t ease her worry.

I sat down by the kitchen counter as my mom came to stand beside me.

“Alex said you fainted,” she told me.

“Yes, I fainted,” I said, not wanting to make a big deal out of it.

“I made a doctor’s appointment this week,” my mom said.

I knew she would blow the whole thing out of proportion.

“Mom, people faint all the time.” I tried to reason with her. “I don’t need to go see the doctor.”

My mom pressed her lips together as she gave me a contemplating look.

“My migraines have been getting better and besides, there is no reason to think that the fainting had anything to do with the migraines,” I said.

“But you’ve never fainted before.” She gave me that serious mom look and put one hand on her hip.

She was right, but there was a first time for everything. I put my hand over her hand that was gripping the kitchen counter and gave it a squeeze.

“I’m fine, mom.”

She studied me for a few moments. “Okay. I’ll cancel the appointment, but if it happens again, we are going to the doctor. No arguments.”

I nodded in agreement, and she hugged me. Even with my reassurance to my mom, I couldn’t ignore the whisper of doubt inside my mind. The whole fainting thing had scared me. What I had told no one was I’d experienced a sharp pain before I’d fainted, and I was pretty sure that wasn’t normal for your typical fainting spell.

I bit my lip while I watched my mom make me breakfast. I couldn’t explain why I didn’t want to go to the doctor, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. The thought of them finding something wrong with me terrified me. I couldn’t ignore the pain in my head before I’d blacked out. I knew I needed to go to the doctor, but for some unknown reason I didn’t voice my concern. Instead, I kept quiet and told myself that I would handle it.

Later, when I was in my room getting changed, I was still thinking about it and what I was going to do when I heard a soft knock at my door pulled me out of my somber thoughts.

The sight of Adonis standing outside my door was a surprise, and I couldn’t stop my stomach flutter as my eyes met his. I wondered if there would ever be a time that I wouldn’t feel the way I did about him.

“Hi,” I greeted him.

“Could I speak to you for a moment?” he asked. I stepped aside, and he entered my room.

Although he practically lived at my house, it was still weird facing him alone in my bedroom. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“How are you feeling?” His tone light and friendly.

“I’m fine. The medication helps.” Unable to hold his gaze, I dropped my eyes to the floor.

His concern explained why he was here. It meant he wasn’t here to talk about our kiss.

He stepped closer, and I looked up to him.

“You scared me,” he whispered, and I got a glimpse of the fear in his eyes. It took me a little by surprise.

“I’m okay,” I assured him, trying to keep my heart from swelling with emotion at the way he was looking at me. “People faint all the time.” 

“Fainting isn’t normal.” His forehead creased. “I had a look on the internet.”

I turned away from him and walked over to my window. I crossed my arms while I looked out the window and waited for the lecture.

“Fainting while suffering from a migraine can be a sign of a more serious underlying problem,” he said, sounding like something out a medical textbook. I felt annoyed at his meddling. I knew he cared about me but didn’t he understand I needed him to back off while I got my mind around it before I could do something about it.

“Harp,” he murmured softy standing just behind me.

I let out a sigh and turned to face him. He was so close I had to look up to meet his gaze.

“Look, I fainted, and that’s all it is. There is no underlying problem.”

He looked far from convinced and I knew he would not back down easily.

“In fact, I’ve been suffering from fewer migraines,” I added, trying to convince him that there was nothing wrong. I had to deal with this in my own time, and I didn’t want everyone worrying about it until I knew there was something to worry about.

“Harp, you need to go to the doctor and get them to run some more tests,” he said, standing firm on his initial suggestion. “I can get you the best doctors.”

I shook my head. “No.”

He looked agitated at my lack of agreement, and he ran a hand through his hair. “You can’t stick your head in the sand and pretend everything is fine.”

“This is my life.” My voice raised with each word as earlier annoyance turned to something more like anger. “And how I handle it is my choice.”

He looked at me with disbelief as he shook his head.

“What if there is something wrong?” He reached for my arms as he spoke. “The sooner you get it seen to the better.”

I stepped back, pulling free from his grip.

“Thanks for your concern, but I’m fine,” I said firmly, trying to end the conversation about my health. It was my decision, and there was no swaying me.

“Harp,” he said as he looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes of his, and it was hard to remain firm on my decision.

I shook my head. “No.”

My decision was final, and any pleading or argument from him would not change that.

He studied me for a moment, contemplating his next move. “I care about you and I need to know that you’re okay.”

I felt it pull at the strings of my heart. I kept silent, trying to wade through the guilt I felt.

“What’s the big deal? You go to the doctor and he runs some test. Don’t you want to make sure that everything is fine?” His eyes searched mine for the answer to his question. He didn’t understand why I was refusing to go to the doctor. To him, obvious to him, but to me it was much more complicated.

“I think it’s best you leave,” I said, tired of trying to hold firm against his arguments.

He stood there looking at me like I’d lost my mind. Then he looked up at the ceiling and let out a deep sigh.

He was getting frustrated that I wasn’t going along with what he wanted me to do. “Come on, Harp. Just get it checked out. If there is nothing to worry about, then good. And if there is something, we’ll handle it.”

“No,” I said, stopping anymore talk about doctors and tests. “There’s nothing wrong.”

“I want to believe that, but I don’t.” He reached out for my hand but at the last moment pulled away as he took a step back.

“I can’t make you go to the doctor but at least think about it.” He turned and left my room. I sank down onto my bed and stared at my bedroom door.

Frustrated, I called Reece to escape to her house for a few hours. She never asked why she just showed up an hour later and picked me up.

“Everything okay?” she asked while she drove us to her house.

“Yes. I just needed to get out of the house,” I replied. If I told her about the fainting, she would also insist I go see the doctor and I didn’t want to hear it..

The sound of Adonis’s voice in the background singing made me lean over and switch off the radio. Reece raised an eyebrow. But she didn’t say a word, and I didn’t offer an explanation.

His words echoed in my mind even though I tried to shut them out. Fainting isn’t normal.

I closed my eyes, trying to erase his words from my mind. Fainting while suffering from a migraine could point to a more serious underlying problem.

For the next couple of hours I spent by Reece trying to keep myself busy, so my mind didn’t wander back to the thoughts of my migraines and fainting.

That evening, after having dinner with Reece and her parents, I returned home.

I avoided my family, who were in the kitchen as I snuck up to my room. I needed to sort through my chaotic thoughts, so I climbed out of my window. Lying on the roof staring up to the stars, I took a deep breath trying to expel the anxious and fear building up in me.

Logically, Adonis was right. The sooner I went to the doctor and found out what the cause was, the sooner I could fix it. But logic didn’t come into my refusal to go to the doctor. It scared me.

Fear made me unable to confront the possibility that there was something really wrong. I let out another heavy sigh as I rubbed my temple.

It wasn’t like I hadn’t already thought of all the things that it could be, none of which were going to be easy to deal with. I didn’t know what was worse, worrying about the possibilities or just going to the doctor and dealing with the problem.

**********

I lived in my bubble of denial for another couple of days until I experienced the same symptom again.

My vision blurred. I was at home alone, so there was no one to notice. But it was enough to scare me into action. It had happened to as I had descended the stairs. I hated to think what would have happened if I’d missed a step and fallen the rest of the way down.

I wanted to go see the doctor, but I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want them worrying until I knew there was something to worry about.

The person I would have gone to get help from would have been Reece, but I didn’t want her to worry either. I bit my nail as I racked my brains trying to come up a way to go see the doctor with no one knowing. Without a car, it was going to be difficult.

At that moment, like a sign, my phone rang. I got it out of my pocket and looked down at the screen to see a picture of Aiden on my screen.

Aiden.

“Hey,” I answered as I planned that included Aiden helping me.

“What are you doing?” he asked, conversationally. He usually called me twice of week and we’d talk. We got on so well I could talk to him for hours.

“Nothing interesting.” I took a deep breath and released it.

“You sound like you have something on your mind?” he asked and waited for an answer.

“Would you do me a favor?” I held on to my phone tighter. He would ask questions I didn’t want to answer.

“Sure,” he said. “What do you need?”

“I need to go for a checkup, but my doctor is away. Would you be able to get me the details of your doctor?”

I waited for him to answer. To me it sounded like a reasonable request, nothing that would flag I was trying to hide something.

“Yeah, sure,” he replied. “I’d have to get his details from my mom.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you need me to take you to the appointment?” he asked, unexpectedly. He knew I didn’t have a car.

“Yes, that would be great if you could,” I replied, feeling relieved that my plan was coming together. I had come up with a way to get checked out without worrying about my friends and family.

“Let me call my mom and I’ll get the number,” he said.

“Sure. Thanks.”

“I’ll call you back in ten minutes,” he said before ending the call.

I stood holding my phone for a minute after wondering if I was doing the right thing.

“Everything okay?” I turned to see Adonis standing in the kitchen’s doorway watching me.

“Yes.” I shoved my phone into my pocket. I felt like he’d caught me doing something wrong. Had he heard my conversation with Aiden?

“How are you feeling?” He walked into the kitchen.

It was the same question every time he saw me, and it was becoming annoying. It was also his way of reminding me about my migraines and the possibility that it was something worse.

“I’m fine.” I walked over to the fridge to get a soda. “Where’s Alex?”

“We’re supposed to meet up here before we go out.” He shrugged.

The previous easygoing atmosphere between us gone, and in its place was a tension that me uncomfortable.

On one hand, keeping my family from worrying was the important, but it was scary going through it alone. I opened the soda and took a sip.

“Have you changed your mind about going to the doctor?” he asked, taking a step closer to me.

“Don’t.” I shook my head. He didn’t have a right to meddle in my life.

“Harp,” he whispered.

I hated the way my name on his lips made my stomach flip and tugged at my heartstrings. Why couldn’t there be a switch that we could flip to not feel anything when we didn’t want to?

“Enough Gray. I’ve heard everything you had to say the last time we had this conversation.” I set the soda down on the kitchen counter.

“I’m hoping you will see reason and change your mind.” He reached for my hand.

It would have been so easy to give into him, to let him hold my hand in his and to reveal that I was planning to go the doctor. But easy would allow him to pull me closer and push me away like he had been, and I couldn’t deal with it.

“Well, I won’t.” I pulled my hand away from his just before his fingers touched my hand.

My phone rang, and I answered it.

“I got the number you needed,” he told me.

“That’s great,” I said.

“I’ll message it to you,” he said while Adonis studied me. Maybe he was trying to figure out who I was talking to.

“Thank you.” I leaned against the counter. Adonis shoved his hand into the front pocket of his jeans.

“I’ll chat to you later,” Aiden said, and I said goodbye.

“Who was that?” Adonis asked when I ended the call and put the phone back into the back pocket of my jeans.

“Aiden,” I said.

“You guys seem very close.”

It wasn’t like I thought Adonis had genuine feelings for me. He only wanted what he couldn’t have. When he could have had me he’d pulled away from me, but since Aiden had become a bigger part of my life Adonis had been acting strange.

“Yes, we are.” He could think what he liked.